I don't know what exactly started my self loathing but I started feeling worthless when I was 10. And as the years went on; the deeper the hate went. At one point it got so bad that I refused to let anyone love me or love anyone. I didn't think I was worthy of anything. My self hatred led to my break up with my fiancé- who I still care about but my heart was never really there. It's hard to fix that kind of problem.
When I turned 18 in July; I was still feeling pretty poorly about myself but I considered it a normal hate. I figured everyone hates themselves a little because that's all I've ever known- hatred. The only time I felt better about myself was when I was reading a book. Books took me to a world where I could be anyone I wanted. And I didn't want to be me.
Months passed and my feelings started loosening. I began to think positive thoughts about myself but it wasn't until I started camming; when I realized how much love my heart could have for myself. I learned through camming about the grace every woman possesses. And how all women are strong and unique.
Everyday I wrote 5 NEW things about myself that I either liked or loved. It sometimes took me a few hours to get 5 things out down. And it was painful. I wanted to love the parts of myself that I hated the most. I wanted to stop looking in the mirror and feeling broken. So I kept at it. Then I started finding songs and quotes that made me feel good. I wrote them down in my diary.
I stopped caring about how big my hips were and how big my ass was. The stretch marks on my thighs didn't matter anymore. My hair stopped annoying me. My nose size didn't bother me. I focused on the positive. I loved the way my hips moved when I walked and I liked how my face would light up whenever I smiled. Those were the things I wrote down.
My confidence was growing but I still cared what others thought. Then I got into porn. And one day; I woke up. Nothing else mattered except what I thought and what I believed. I became the sole object of love for the first time. Things people said had no affect on me. I remember that day very specifically. It was the day people found out I did porn.
I was somewhat scared of my newfound confidence so I wasn't sure how to address everyone. I left most people's messages read but empty. I answered some but in terse words. Then I talked to my agents and they encouraged me to take control of the situation. So I did. I went on Facebook and made a long post about being in porn.
Ever since then; I refuse to be censored. I talk freely about anything. I don't care about deleting negative people. Crappy comments I read EVERYDAY about myself don't bother me. It's because I know who I am and as long as I know that; nobody's opinion on me will matter.
My confidence has changed me radically. I've lost friends because of it- a lot of people wanted me to stay the same insecure, negative girl I had been all my life. But then I gained friends- friends who love and support me for being me. I used my confidence to be more comfortable about my sexuality. I never knew what a little confidence can do for someone. It can change their life. It changed mine.
I know this post is probably sad but I felt like I had to be said. I want people to know me. I'm not hiding in the shadows anymore. This is me. Love or hate me- I'm not going anywhere.
Xoxo,
Callie L Klein
P.S. I added pics of my Facebook post.
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